Anger and resentment - the space of “this shouldn’t have happened to me.”

“Holding onto anger or resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”

Anger and resentment can have a strong hold on us. They run deep. Viscerally.

They live in the space of “this shouldn’t have happened to me.”

They often arise when a boundary was crossed, an injustice was committed, safety was breached, or a sense of agency was lost. Anger is often the first messenger — clear, protective, mobilising.

Resentment may follow when that anger can’t be expressed, completed, or repaired. It can be a great protector — for a while.

But when there’s no acknowledgement, no repair, and we’re left carrying the work of healing, that protective energy can harden — sometimes into hate.

Those feelings can feel like a punishment toward the one who caused harm.

However, over the long that protective energy can built into tension, inward, feeling harmful towards us. We carry the load.

Like holding burning coal in our hands. It hurts. It burns.

Part of us may wish the other person could feel our pain or fully understand what they’ve done. The reality is, they may never see it, be oblivious to it — and holding on can rarely changes that.

In the meantime, we’re still hurting. Sometimes for years or decades.

Sometimes anger needs space before forgiveness can even be considered.

And sometimes, forgiving — not as an obligation, but as a choice — becomes a healing step.

Not to forget.

Not because we have to.

Not to negate what happened.

Not to lessen the gravity of what happened.

Not necessarily to keep or mend a relationship.  

Just to alleviate our own pain. To let some of it go. To put the coal down.

Because some parts of us would like to begin to loosen the deep emotional tension.

In our own time, when we feel safe, we can start to let it go.

In turn, it might start to create more inner space —  

and possibly a little more inner peace.

And bit by bit, it might give us a greater sense of agency back.

And with it, a sense of freedom.

“Freedom is what you do with what has been done to you.” – Sartre